When you've spent so much time invested in someone else, in a relationship, and it comes to an end where does the love go?
It doesn't just evaporate into thin air. It doesn't just change. I am someone who lives in extremes, and even my emotions don't work like that.
It's sad, and amazng, how you can go from one day saying "I love you" at the end of every meeting or phone call- to all of a sudden ending in "Bye." Bye? What the hell is, bye? Bye is the beginning of the end. The new chapter has to commence, and the grievance of moving on starts to rear it's head.
Behind the mask, or the proverbial wall, that some people are skilled at erecting to hide their emotions, there is hurt behind there. When you give yourself a moment to feel it, and think, you know it's true.
I wasn't going to post anything online about the breakup. My new found awkward singleness. (ugh.) But last night I decided to write a status on Facebook addressing it in my own way (non-obnoxious like most) and here I am spilling guts on my blog. I consciously made the decision to do so because I was honest with myself for once. Truth is, there was a part of me that was ashamed we couldn't "make it". Part of me wanted to hide the fact that the man I love and I had to part. As if I wasn't adequate enough, or I hadn't worked hard enough to keep our relationship together. For some reason, I felt embarrassed about something I put every ounce of my energy into- hoping it would not get to this point. But it did, and that's ok.
Cleansing my emotions, also has me on the 3rd day of a juice fast. I felt it an appropriate time to cleanse every aspect of my mind and body.
I will never bash him. He's an amazing man. Yet, one cannot survive a relationship involving two people, while working for both. Timing, ambition, and a bit of self-centeredness were our demise, not lack of love.
So there it is. I have officially put it out into the Universe, I'm single. Yet, far from alone.
In my next steps, it's crucial to completely clear my plate off, before considering putting any food on it. One will not have room for the right one, if they are still hung up on the last one.