i'm not reformed. i'm not born again. i not going through an intentional cleanse...i'm horny.
point blank. period.
i'm also celibate...thus the conundrum.
it's been brought up in previous blogs and personal conversations i have had with newly acquired friends, and i wanted to do some real introspection on the subject of celibacy. so...i write.
the last time i was celibate was before i lost my virginity. (exactly.) so in reality, this is the first time i have ever adopted the actual term 'celibate'.
i remember, in more immature times, hearing of this concept and deeming it utterly impossible in my world. i couldn't see how someone would 'starve' themselves of this most magnificent connection with another human being. i note that back then the ONLY connection i had during sex was through the loins.
so here i am, a decade after the first 'go' at it and i find myself in a completely different space and time. i'm not an adolescent who has to worry about homework for high school the next day. i'm a twenty-five year old, accomplished individual, living in Japan.
japan... being here is as much a catalyst for my celibacy, as is what i left at home. i have been on a temporary leave from the most aesthetically pleasing man i have EVER been with. (i apologize to those that came before him, but it is what it is.) he has such a genuine heart and is as beautiful internally as he is externally. i will be the first to admit, as he knows, i am in love. i am also in japan, so it would be silly of me to put expectations on any man, with me being this far away. i'm in love, i'm not stupid.
i'd lie if i didn't say that this celibacy didn't start out for him. after realizing all the things i get from him, i realized that i'd rather wait for it. and waittttttt for it! i can say that if there is any man that i feel is worth me doing something like this for, hands down it's him.
but it's not about him anymore...
i was surprised to find a shift in myself here. i'm not doing it for him anymore. i'm doing it for me. facebook affords the opportunity to reunite with friends from all phases in life. some of the gentlemen on here from my high school days may remember a quite different Evita, n that department, from those in college and beyond. this is one reason why i am rarely friends with anyone from high school. even old female friends would see a change.
with sex, i was searching at a young age. searching for something, through other men, that i should have searched for within myself....love.
now, ten years after starting that process, i found it.
it took something dramatic to happen with my body, for me to respect it. this also fuels my vegetarianism and body transformations. it took a personal awakening about three years ago for me to realize that i have to have a serious connection with someone to offer them my body. the magnitude of sex is beyond what most people fathom in order to 'get a nut'
you are entering me, my energy...females, think about that for a second. do you let strangers in your house?
i do not feel i am better than anyone else. a one night stand is a one night stand. you live life once, go ahead, be safe. but i'm not on that level. i find myself lucky because a lot of the sexual stupidity i saw in college, i got out my system by the time i graduated high school. i started early. now, while still young, i have a better understanding of exactly how psychological sex is. i can't have sex with someone i don't have substantial feelings for. not saying it will never happen again, but where i am in my life now, i can't afford for that to happen. the psychological, and potential physical, aftermath is too much added stress in my life. especially, if i have someone in my life already that i feel is WORTH it.
worth is the operative word. what are you worth? if it's a few drinks and some head, then do what it do. not i.
this too is why i am celibate...
not to mention the fact that i have more testosterone pumping through my veins than most men in japan. it is the honest truth and you even see it in the elementary schools here. the girls are cool, digging their own space, and the boys are all over each other. i am not speaking for all, but you see it openly here. it is just another cultural difference.
so if i was going to go away to any country, and not have my celibacy be tested too much Japan was probably the best bet. i'm so horny i am scared to even flirt with anyone i find remotely attractive. in my head, i have a split screen of me saying hello (or gozaimas) and then us in bed and my brain can't take it. lol. i'm formng a slight neurosis due to not having sex.
you start looking at guys you wouldn't even be remotely attracted to in any other situation and soon find yourself saying things like, "He's not that bad." yes, he is bitch. step away. your mind is playing tricks on you. thus, even in my hormonal weeks (like the one i am presently in) i remember the man i left and the values i have on myself.
as much as i travel, many would find it hard to believe but i have NEVER had sex with anyone abroad, even in the states. i travel with a different mind frame. so i will resort to my websites, toys, skype, and ........love. those are the things that keep me in check. and thank goodness for that!
chot to mate! (be easy!)