this comes after two poignant conversations, one with Megan and one with my father...
i am already not the woman that i was when i left New York. this is a fact.
skin has been shed (literally and figuratively). fears continue to be felt and faced. celibacy continued. love orated. jealousy continually curbed. training habits to no longer be habitual. complete mental release of a past lover. international friends made. strength exposed. new diet adjusted. running acts as therapy. learned that holding on to home can hinder here. networks growing with evierobbie media in mind. hundreds of beautiful children gained, while the one i used to be arrives again daily. new language becoming the norm. goals written and reviewed. body and mind starting to accept the shock of the new.
i am taking the shape of possibly the strongest person i know (bethany may have me beat). i am that woman. i am in the metamorphosis that is my life. i always wondered what it would be...what event, what person, what conversation, what trip....i always wondered what it would take to break me down to my core................and then leave me to rebuild my form.
well folks, Japan is it. i have been gutted.
with the frightful precision and patience it took me to get to know my neighborhood (literally walking a block a day, at first)...i now have that same fear and patience in putting myself back together again. how lucky am i to be afforded an opportunity to create a completely new me? new in the context of being better, clearer, more of all my positives and less of all my negatives. this, to me, is my first real sense of enlightenment.
i realized that woven throughout this (negative in many ways) experience, is EXACTLY what i asked for. true to Evita's form, i am very clearly manifesting my dreams. i said i wanted to travel the world. i said i wanted to experience new cultures. i said i wanted to build an international connection for evierobbie media. i said i wanted to become a better Evita. well, done, done, done, and in the process as i type.
what i DID NOT factor into that equation is that not every experience is pretty. not every culture is fun. manifestations aren't always beautiful. yet, there is beauty in everything if you look for it. that has been the turn around in me over the last few days. i remembered my beauty and it unlocked the beauty i can get from this situation.
but will you remember me?
megan spoke about a worry that she may not have the same things (if anything) in common with the friends she left back home. i feel that unless you have traveled abroad and really soaked in a new culture, you may not fully understand this fear. yes, this can be done on a smaller scale, such as moving states, etc...but there is something bigger about that process when a foreign country is involved. i'm not talking a week vacation (though some will warrant a change), i'm talking a full on journey for at least a few weeks.
there is something about being ripped of your language, comforts, friends, family, pets, apartments, cars, food, and (in my case) sex, that makes you get real honest with yourself real fucking fast... you will see what you are made of, what you are about, and your view of others changes as well. scary? yes! necessary? hell yes!
i wonder, in life, how many people actually get to the core of who they really are...good and bad..how many people allow themselves to face it?
the conversation with my father was on the same subject, but he brought up relationships. my father knows what his daughters are capable of. his biggest fear is that we will not find men worthy of all we have to offer to this world, let alone a relationship. hearing that, from my father, is humbling, but it's a valid concern. we live in a world where more women are making power moves. more women are aiming for higher education and their own business practices, ESPECIALLY in the minority community. i happen to be one of those women in all of those categories, attach world traveling and networking to that while you're at it. shit i'll say it...i know what i am worth, and frankly i am the bomb. period. (mind you, i think EVERYONE should feel that way about themselves). so with that...and now with the intensity of this journey...i ask...
will you remember me? will you remember the way i was, and respect how i've grown? will you understand the mentality i have when i return? will you be by my side when i leave to travel again? will you be the compliment? because i will for you... (go after your dream life...)
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