I am just waking up from a meditation sleep. That happens when I am so gone that I look to meditation to help bring me back to...me.
I've had a rough three weeks out here in Japan, but in light of all the bullshit I feel like I am finding some answers as to why the hell I am really out here in the first place. Tonight I will make a list of the positive things I can get out of this journey, wretched as it is right now.
This afternoon, in my personal journal, I started a really intense entry that I'm sure to finish before bed. I have to finish it because I want no remnants of it left in my mind.
I pretty much put the mirror up to my face and wrote down every single thing that I find negative about myself. Sound like torture? Hell fucking yes it is, but peep the method to my madness...
I'm reading "The Places That Scare You" for the second time, and it speaks about the idea of finding comfort in your pain, even in your fear. How true growth is about facing all the demons that we run from through daily routines, drugs, sex, working out, you get the gist (pretty much any routine we have for coping)... It's about ending routines and constantly challenging yourself; therefore constantly growing.
So this morning, looking like pure shit at work, I held the mirror up to my face and let it rip. I think that damn thing cracked about a dozen times before I was finished. I mean I have a list of EVERYTHING I ever despised about myself. I don't know if you have ever done this with yourself, but I recommend it. You have my forewarning: this is the type of shit that nightmares are made of, only worse, because (well) it's real talk, and it's you. The key is to do this with compassion. You have to be compassionate with yourself. The point of this is not psychological warfare, so don't go judging yourself as a bad person. Just write it, then read it.
I'm in phase two now....the sitting with it part. Within this ugly practice, I am taking control of becoming a better woman by really facing what things are within my control to change. You'll notice very soon on that most of it is mental. As with everything else, it begins with a thought. After these past couple weeks, I have a lot of mental rearranging to do.
Phase three will be the opposite for me. At twenty-five years old, what positive things have I done with my life? That's the fun part. That is the part that let's you toot your own horn and be proud of yourself. In essence, I feel that part is the real you. You'll find early on too, that those are probably more action based.
I feel the next few weeks are going to be full of life lists....What can I do while I am here? What are my immediate goals, long-term goals? Who in my life is helping me? Who can go kick rocks? You get the idea...
I dedicate this new blog, added writing site, and this readjusting positive mental state to Nelson Estevez. It took a conversation with him today (one of many) for me to realize I should have done this a long time ago. I explained how I was waiting to launch this once the big Evierobbie site was finished, but when I shut up and replayed my track I realized that it sounded like pure "caca" to my eardrums. Why wait, when you can work with what you have and build from there? A lesson I still have to implement from recently.
Here is to new beginnings....and me jacking your blogspot area!